Second guessing.

Who protects the seed? 

Wouldn't it be nice to send Ramona away for the day, not have to think about where she is or what she is doing? To be absorbed in myself and what I am doing.

Shouldn't I go out and have a life? Find some adult love? Work full-time in the non-profit industrial complex so my student loans can be forgiven in ten years and I can have more clout in the activist world. Shouldn't I be making art (MY grown-up made-in-isolation Art)? And wouldn't I be so much hotter if I could go out and do all that hiking and biking and yoga that I would do if I didn't have to take care of my child so much?  The child that I invited into this world...shouldn't I be sending her away to be educated and molded by really nice strangers?

I have been second guessing myself a lot over the last year or...since R was born.  Fortunately, I've learned to live with it.  It's normal to have doubts when what you are doing is outside the norm, because living outside the norm is always work. People will rally against you or make you feel like you are just being silly. I second guess myself for fear of not a being a success, leaving a legacy, missing my chance while I am still young, not living up to my potential. We connect mothering with sacrifice.  It is self-sacrifice, but some amount of self-sacrifice in life is oh so tantalizingly fulfilling.

Success (with a capital S) is a sham.  Its part of a system that pits us against each other while leaving those who love the most and give the most in the dust. Success in our narcissistic culture is based on competition and happiness is based on consumption (or so they say). Are famous people more important than normal people? Are they more content or happy?  Do they commit suicide, do drugs or get divorced less? HA!

Unfortunately, though many are quick to blame the mother every time there their children end up "damaged" or "criminal;" we don't honor parents enough for their important, amazing work. The children don't belong to their parents, they are a gift to the world from their parents. While most of the country struggles to earn more buying power, parents are spinning the future.  And in many cases, schools are.

I want a life full of meaning and grace.  I want to live my deepest motivations and values. My heart and my intellect know what is best for Ramona and me...usually.

Success is happiness, meaning, love and the co-creation of a beautiful future. I plan to experience the richness of my life...it might be the only one I have.  I will experience the richness of motherhood, in everything I hope that it is...be alive. Deeply, happily, painfully and amazingly alive. And I am.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman