Being and Doing

Our culture is all about doing, accomplishing. Not so much about just being. People who are happy being, are often viewed less intelligent, lazy, lacking initiative, or...spiritual. I've been a little bit obsessed with doing and accomplishing. I never seem to be content unless I am clear about what I am DOING. And what I DO generally needs to be somehow making the world a better place or making art (which is also making the world a better place at the heart of it). But lately I haven't been able to do anything really. Or wanted to. Not doing a lot of parenting or homechooling, or practicing the bass like I am supposed to be, or painting that picture I want to paint, or writing that historical piece I have been thinking about for a year or so. I have 10 unfinished drafts to this blog (I think I will erase them).

I have no drive to do much of anything. Barely keeping the house together. Going to the gym (okay that is something). Thinking about my far-away love and how I will get him here (I guess that is something, too). Learning how real a long distance relationship can be (I am repenting at the moment).  Getting in a little gardening...Seeing my therapist. Looking for work. Oh. Maybe I do do stuff. And all this inner work. Now that is exhausting. And that is where the line between doing and being is washed away. And examined life is a lot of work.

Sheesh, this writing is reminding me of all the stuff I got to do!

Starting Again

I decided just now to start blogging again... just now. I decided to analyze my writing to see what famous writing I am like, from some app on Facebook. Of course I wanted to be sure, so I ran a lot of my writing through and I got a lot of different writers, but almost half of them were Cory Woderow or something like that. The time we find to waste on things these days. How many days have been wasted? Anyhow, it was that silly Facebook game that brought me back here. And I have decided once again to write from the heart and not worry about my ego and my public persona.

I've become tired of my life, so I am working on changing it. Without ruining my daughter's life. It actually a really big feat. Can one person give two people good lives and still be together as much as we want.

Ramona is happy. The trick is that both of us are. I am reaching out for change, grasping for it. I am looking for ways to engage in my career, find somewhere to grow. Ive been applying for jobs, which is just nerve-wracking and depressing... I have been contemplating starting training in a martial art... I went to an Aikido Dojo, but I am still contemplating until I know.

I've done this before. You put in the work, you put out your feelers, and eventually the right path opens up.

I have also invited Ramona's father here. I am not sure I could ever imagine it working out, but if I don't try I will regret it. If I do I might regret it too, but I am getting older, I want a rich life. I want to live big. It is so much better to regret something you've done than to regret something you haven't done. When you regret something you didn't do, it always haunts you. What if? If I regret something I have done, I just think...well at least I tried. And I am willing to put in the work. And I love Ramona's dad. And we want to be together, but we don't have the money. Believe it or not, it is really hard to visit here from anywhere in Latin America if you don't have a lot of money. So we are here, me without him...Ramona without him. Wondering...what if he forgets us. What if the time and the work it takes to be together again is just too much and we drift away before it is ever able to come to pass. I want to be a family unit. I want the father of my child with me. I've been alone so long.