The mother alone

The world has a lot of ideas about what a single mother should and should not do. She shouldn’t give birth, for one, if she is single, unless she is rich, of course, but even then...

A single mother should not homeschool her child, especially if she receives any sort of benefits. As a culture we do not support mother's spending time day with their children! Poor children belong in institutions, the public school system, so that they can be taught how to not be like you. You send your kids to school so you can work. Take some night classes while you are at it. The only thing a single mother should do is mother her child, but only when she is not working or attending an official higher learning institution. You need discipline. It is important that we keep the gears of our economy chugging along. Maybe it will grow so big it will become bigger than the earth itself, and then devour it.

But I am a writer, I say, I am writing a novel. That doesn’t count!, they say back.  Writing a novel isn’t real work until you make money, and even after you make money, we will all know you cheated in the first place. Like JK Rowling. We paid her rent while she sat and wrote silly stories when she could have been working at a real job.

You may only write a novel if you get up at 4am, even though you went to sleep at 11.  You can follow your true dreams, your inappropriate dreams, on your own time, when you aren’t working and when your child is asleep. I do, I say. But I sneak it in at other times too, I whisper, when I am supposed to be doing something else; when I am supposed to be being a productive member of society.

The Exhausted Mother, August Heyn (1837-1920)

This morning, I hope I can pull together the fragments of my mind just enough to focus, to unify, to connect, so the creativity can radiate through my body, through my heart and my head, through my arms, my fingertips.  Then slip out of me, hot and thick like molten lava, slowly slipping and sliding and hardening into form. But the child is sleeping. I am afraid she will wake up. Mommy!  I can’t focus, I know its coming. I feel guilty for wanting her to stay unconscious for much much longer so that I don't have to mother. I need to forget so I can calm the worried fragments. How will I forget today?

I want to get away. Take a weekend retreat like I know other mothers do. No. You must labor. You must labor until you have saved yourself.