Control

Unschooling is my main approach to homeschooling.  Sometimes its hard to give up that kind of control.  Unschooling requires that I have faith that my daughter will learn what she needs to, with out coercion.  Societal hang-ups tell me I need to "develop" her academic talents.  Like the West tries to develop the "under-developed" of the world into its own image.

R has taken on the academic with ease and always been "ahead" of in the race (that leads to the rat race); it seems I have set the bar at that level, always ahead.  The fear of average has set in.  I don't want to be average. I was an "advanced" child, I really had a lot of potential. Now I am just average. That's the mantra that plays in my head.  And I blame my parents.

Homeschooling shines a bright light on the structure and state of the relationship between a parent and child. And also how that relationship is intrinsically intertwined with the parent and the parents' parents; the whole ancestry and family history of rearing children.  Homeschooling has been demanding but rife with opportunities to grow as a person and give up pride, control, the need to be right, and the need to know how things will be. It presents the opportunity to embrace humility, self-discipline, right speech, trust, and hope. Because I am in contact with my child so much more I can't hide from our relationship. There is a real depth of work here. Choosing to interact mindfully with your child is a discipline. It's work. And it's rewarding. And then I will get it wrong and I try to shrug it off and try again with a sincere and open heart.  I just hope I start getting it right more often.

But yesterday was really hard. It feels like we don't like any of the same things. We are marching to different tunes these days. We have had a couple break-downs the last couple weeks due to her not wanting to do what we are doing.  So I try so hard to find something that works.  And I think it does...for a minute....then she balks and all falls apart. Or I fall apart.  Unfortunately I have had to work the last two nights, in the middle of the night.  I'm not rested.  Maybe her life is boring.

I called the Montessori charter school. I made an appointment to attend an information meeting. The next step would be a tour.  I asked if I could bring my daughter to the tour, and they said children do not attend the tour. Could I really take her education so far out of her hands that she wouldn't even be able to tour the school where she would potentially be spending the next 8 years?

I swallow my  pride and start anew.  I try something different. I tell her that I won't make her do anything, but that I need her to follow through. She says she will.  Will she be able to do that?

I remember when she was 2, and 3 and 4 and all I expected of her was that she be herself and I loved that self so much. She learned so well then, she never ceased to amaze people with her maturity and great personality.   Then I got tired, she felt pressure.  It started with this independent study school. Standards. Assignments. But I don't have a choice.  I need the support.

Today I feel I have it more together.  I am going to go to that informational meeting.  Maybe even the tour. Maybe it will instill in me once and for all that full-time institutionalization is definitely 100% wrong for her. Maybe it won't... Just for today we are homeschooling. I love our time together.

Second guessing.

Who protects the seed? 

Wouldn't it be nice to send Ramona away for the day, not have to think about where she is or what she is doing? To be absorbed in myself and what I am doing.

Shouldn't I go out and have a life? Find some adult love? Work full-time in the non-profit industrial complex so my student loans can be forgiven in ten years and I can have more clout in the activist world. Shouldn't I be making art (MY grown-up made-in-isolation Art)? And wouldn't I be so much hotter if I could go out and do all that hiking and biking and yoga that I would do if I didn't have to take care of my child so much?  The child that I invited into this world...shouldn't I be sending her away to be educated and molded by really nice strangers?

I have been second guessing myself a lot over the last year or...since R was born.  Fortunately, I've learned to live with it.  It's normal to have doubts when what you are doing is outside the norm, because living outside the norm is always work. People will rally against you or make you feel like you are just being silly. I second guess myself for fear of not a being a success, leaving a legacy, missing my chance while I am still young, not living up to my potential. We connect mothering with sacrifice.  It is self-sacrifice, but some amount of self-sacrifice in life is oh so tantalizingly fulfilling.

Success (with a capital S) is a sham.  Its part of a system that pits us against each other while leaving those who love the most and give the most in the dust. Success in our narcissistic culture is based on competition and happiness is based on consumption (or so they say). Are famous people more important than normal people? Are they more content or happy?  Do they commit suicide, do drugs or get divorced less? HA!

Unfortunately, though many are quick to blame the mother every time there their children end up "damaged" or "criminal;" we don't honor parents enough for their important, amazing work. The children don't belong to their parents, they are a gift to the world from their parents. While most of the country struggles to earn more buying power, parents are spinning the future.  And in many cases, schools are.

I want a life full of meaning and grace.  I want to live my deepest motivations and values. My heart and my intellect know what is best for Ramona and me...usually.

Success is happiness, meaning, love and the co-creation of a beautiful future. I plan to experience the richness of my life...it might be the only one I have.  I will experience the richness of motherhood, in everything I hope that it is...be alive. Deeply, happily, painfully and amazingly alive. And I am.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman